now that i know the way you play i don't want to

sitting here writing a blog at 9.10pm.

sitting here contemplating everything that has gone wrong in my life, not wanting to be the person i want to be, what i want to do with my life and where i want to be in life.
the lights are too bright.
missing my beautiful girlfriend.
having this burning desire wanting to be with her right now. no one means more to me than her. i love her far too much and she knows i do.

i want to fly away to a place where it's just you and me. nobody else so we can be free.

there are so many things, thoughts, emotions flying round my brain right now, like it can't process everything right now. no one will ever understand what's really going on in my head, only i know what's really going on in my head right now. it's always been something i haven't been able to control and it gets the better of me, takes away everything and there's nothing i can do to stop it.
no one could ever be bothered to tell me life is a rollercoaster.
life is just the biggest obstacle everybody has to face.
no matter how hard life is or how hard it seems to be, there's always someone there for you, wanting to hold your hand and give you a cuddle and tell you everything is going to be okay.

but how the hell can it be okay?
how the hell is it supposed to be okay for someone like me?
when i was a little girl, all i wanted was to sit in my garden playing with my toys. that was me at my most happiest.
deep down, i think i'm always going to be that little girl who wanted nothing more than to play in the garden with the sun shining and shining down on me.
there are too many angry thoughts going on in my head right now.
i could definitely write a list of things that are going through me at the moment but where do i begin?

all i do know is this. i am not happy and it's what i want to get back. amy told me not to give a fuck about what other people think and i love her for believing in me. i'm happy to know she reads my blog when no one else does.
amy is the only friend i've got to be grateful for as well as my absolutely gorgeous and beautiful girlfriend.

sometimes i just want to give the finger and tell this world to shut the fuck up. that's all.

angelica, please help me, you're the only one who can take my pain all away.